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ok. i’m a little late to the fan art table – but hear me out. when i was little, i always wanted to wear glasses. i wear them now, but growing up, i didn’t need them. i can remember begging my mother to take me to the opticians: “please, please, please. mummy, i really need my eyes checked. i’m really struggling to see. mummy!” sometimes she would give in, sit there patiently and watch me squint my way through an examination: “i think that’s a ‘p’ but i couldn’t be sure” and so forth. i would be given the all clear and sent away with a glum face and no glasses.

my mother genuinely could not understand my desire. having needed glasses and contacts her whole life, she could not fathom why I would wish for such a hindrance. “you’re lucky not to need them, baby.” in her view, only the truly tragic wore glasses. the glamorous and intelligent people forked out for contacts. why advertise such an embarrassing disability? what she didn’t (and still doesn’t) understand is that glasses are just another accessory.

back then, glasses were not cool. not in my mother’s day and certainly not in the 90s. you were still called names like “four eyes” and “geek”. as if that was the biggest insult the bullies could throw at you. i believed they made people look intelligent and interesting. the best people seemed to wear glasses. clark kent. sally jesse raphael. patrick bateman. glasses meant that you didn’t follow the crowd. you were proud to wear your weakness on your face and let the whole world know about it. glasses were for the strong, not the weak.

these days, glasses are my thing. my mother still gives a faint shudder when she sees me wearing them, but there’s little can she can do about that now. these days, people copy my glasses. i’m not quite iris apfel, but i’m definitely on my way. famous people are giving it a go, but we all know that wont last. famous people always do fads that make them look fake geeky. we all know that most of them are, predominantly, a bit stupid. but we’ll let them have it.

then there was BARB. she came into my life and left it just as quickly. she had it all. the hair. the floral shirt. THE GLASSES! the moment i saw her appear on screen i knew that that was it. “those are my dream glasses!” and they truly were. dusky pale pink, large framed, granny style spectacles. i could hardly contain my excitement. “yay,” i thought. “now that those babies are on the tv, they’re going to be a cinch to find.” surely every manufacturer would be running those off the machine at the speed of light. “everyone is gonna want a pair of these!” they would cry. i waited. and i waited. i searched. and i hunted. nothing. no BARB style frames to be found.

so here i am. back at the beginning it would seem. destined to wait once more. blurred vision and alone. oh! large dusky pale pink granny framed glasses – where might you be? please, please. come to your new home, or if not, let yourself be known!

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