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gotta secret

gotta secret, can you keep it?
swear this one you’ll save
better lock it in your pocket
taking this one to the grave
if i show you then i know you won’t tell what i said
cause two can keep a secret if one of them is dead.
The Pierces, Secret

everyone has them. secrets. they can be big. or they can be small. something folded away in a shoe box. beaten old tins filled with old photographs. old letters from long forgotten frienemies. everyone has secrets. i keep all of mine locked away. i’ve never known what it’s like not to keep secrets. it just comes so naturally. there’s a freedom to keeping things to yourself. a silent rebellion. something about knowing that you’re hiding something. it’s a way to live an adventure. i believe that secrets are important. secrets are not bad. everybody needs something that belongs only to them. they are mine! and i do not want to share. gold locks on pink journals. trinkets and treasures hidden under loose floorboards. i’ve never been one for sharing secrets. i’ve never been good at it. laura palmer had a secret diary. i have several. each one a different piece of a big puzzle. these things are not important to anyone. people don’t usually care about the secret itself, only that it’s a secret and they want it. it’s hard to keep secrets nowadays. everything is so out there. you’re expected to put your life on show. but i think the life people put on show is the lie.

there is the real life behind it all. the life you don’t want anyone to see on social media. the nights in watching box sets in your pyjamas. the night after night you spend alone because your so-called-friends are busy. the bowls of cereal for supper because that’s all you have the energy for. the clean white backgrounds and creamy hot chocolates are just for show. no one sees the mess you piled in the corner to achieve that perfect picture. your real life is the secret. it’s the biggest secret of all. the perfect life is not real. none of it is real. we’ve all forgotten what real is. we’ve all forgotten how to just experience. we’ve become so obsessed with capturing. i want to bring back secrets. real secrets. the ones you can physically lock away in a drawer. the ones you don’t want people to find. the ones you treasure because they are precious. because they are yours.

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